The Pest Scale

Many parents number their children. You know, “Number 1 goes to school now, number 2 is at preschool and number 3 is at home with me.”

Me, I have decided I will also number my children, but my numbers will go backwards. And that is because I use the Pest Scale Numbering System.

The mathematical equation behind this piece of genius, if I do say so myself, is this: The further down the line you are in birth order (for example, the traditional ‘Number 3’), the bigger the pest you are, therefore the further you move up the Pest Scale. Number 1 being The Ultimate Pest.

At times I am fooled into thinking our first born is not a pest at all. He was always our quiet little mouse, never said boo, never wanted to cause trouble, always wanted to be a good boy. And he is still like that somewhere deep inside. Now though, he has learned school yard attitood. I know it’s a survival necessity, and in a way I am pleased my quiet little mouse is keeping up and not being trodden all over. But it does bring out pest qualities at home. Anyway, he is at the lower end of the pest scale. A number 3.

Our second born is also our Number 2 on the Pest Scale. Since nearly birth he has climbed all over his big brother, and pestered him in ways I never knew existed – nag, pull, push, jump on, take things away from and wake him up in the early morning because he’s bored. He isLOUD, all the time, and he loves to play tricks on his parents. Like the time he pulled daddy’s shorts down in Bunnings hardware store….at the cash register….with a loooooong queue behind them.

God bless Pest Number 2.

And our third born, aged 2.5 years old, well, right now she is throwing very small pieces from the game we were quietly playing earlier, toward all corners of the house. Whilst yelling. Or perhaps it is singing – I can’t tell because they happen at the same volume intensity. Definitely Pest Numero Uno, Star of the Pest-giving Day. Now she is stuffing those same small pieces in Number 2’s pyjama pants. She has drawn on walls untouched by the two boys before her, and she can fart the loudest, usually squarely placed close to a brother's face. She answers the “Ok, I’m going now… leaving you behind” in the shopping centre, with a "bye" and wave in the opposite direction. She torments number 2 – her first sentence was “He did it!”, and pits Pest 3 Number against Pest Number 2 right when their getting on really well. Her father is planning her chastity belt now.

Major. Pest.

Now that I think of it, she’s at a good age to teach the pull pants down trick….

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